I woke up...

on a different side of the bed. I have a different prospective, a different outlook and a different attitude. Im giving myself an intervention. I need to learn to respect myself, accept myself and be damn proud of myself. I deserve this. I know who I am, and I know who I am not. I hate when I find myself acting out in a way that is not me. I hate when I wake up in the morning embarassed of how I acted. I am my childrens role model, and I would much rather prefer them not acting the way I do at times. They will learn their behaviour and attitude through ME, and if they allowed what I do, acted the way I do or shamed the way I do, I would feel as if I failed. They are better then that and therefore, I must be better then that.

Respect, its up there high on my list of what I want my children to know and be. Ive learned the last few years to be a very accepting person. I do not judge nor do I hold against ones lifestyle. I will not throw that in their faces. Being different is not wrong, and my children need to know that. Respecting ones decisions does NOT mean you have to follow them. We are not all alike in this world and I dont for one second want my children to think that we need to be. I am different. I choose to live a different way. That is ok. I am not wrong, bad or immoral. I have to live my life, no one else. I accept who I am, appreciate it and love it. My children need to realize that people in life will do things they may not agree with....that is ok. Its life, not a bubble. I will teach them what I believe is ok and in time they will come up with their own list of what is ok. It may not match mine, but it will be their own.

I give my children stability. Their father and I will always be PARTNERS. We will always love each other and love them. I think that stability, respect, faith and truth are 4 of the most important things in the upbringing in children. You may not agree, and that is ok. I am raising my children, no one else and what I think is so much more important. I am 100% faithful to my family and they will never know any diffferent. That right there is the break of a family and I want them to always feel secure.

I no longer need to justify myself in life. My partner and I (finance by the way) know who we are, and where we are in life with each other. I dont need to answer why I am not married. It is non of your business. We have never once delayed our wedding, because we have never planned. God gives you the right time, and we will have our right time. In our hearts and in our eyes and our families eyes we are one. We are a packaged deal. That package is filled with love, respect and comittment. We together are very unsure why people continue to judge us based on a decision that is not their own, nor does it effect them. My children will always know mommy and daddy as together. Married, engaged, dating whatever, we are together. Children dont come up and ask a couple who are together forever "are you married". Why would you need to answer a question that wont be asked. We live as one, we work as one, we decide as one. We've had many opportunities to head out somewhere and get "married". That is not what we want. We know what we want and work towards that daily. The rest, you dont need to know. The level of our comittment and relationship will not be based on marriage. It will be based on all that we have worked towards in the past 5 years.

For us, it isnt about our vows taken infront of God. We never plan to do that. We do not live the religous life and most people who claim to are a laugh. We live our life based on what we believe, and we are on the same path with that. We have made a committement and vows to each other and our family. That is what we choose to want. That...is....ok!

I am not a hypocrite. I would never judge someone for mistakes that they made, vows that they broke, decisions they choose. They do not effect me. I judge someone on the way they treat me, treat others, respect me and my family. I judge someone on the way they portray themselves. Does God not say "thou shall not judge?" In the end, it is God who I will answer to, no one else. Please dont judge me because I am different. I will not change my lifestyle because someone else dosnt agree with it. If they were truely my friend, they would respect me and my choices. Dont agree with it I dont care, but respect it. I may not agree with your lifestyle but that does not in any way change the way I feel about you. I will not live my life based on anothers moral compass because unfortunatly our compasses are pointing in different directions. For me, that is ok. I accept you, I respect you and I embrace you.

There is no way in which life is "supposed" to be lived. If there was, we would all be a boring pile of mush. God did not say do not have children out of wedlock. God said no sex before marriage. If your going to trash me for my moral-less life, then trash your own as well. It upsets me that people TRIED for what we had (children before married) and because it didnt succeed until after, it is suddenly wrong. It upsets me that now I am shameful for continuing in my education, when thats not the way its supposed to be. It should have happened before kids. But its ok when others want to do it? Just because they didnt go forth with it for whatever reason, its now wrong? Its wrong that I want to better myself? Give my children a better life? My accomplishments and acheivments are now less?

Let me once and forall answer for you why I am not married. I believe with all my heart that a "marriage" should be the most stable, secure, healthy relationship there is in life. It should NEVER be anything less. THAT is the values that I place on a marriage. I witnessed in life a marriage that should never have been (my mother and father). They got married for all the wrong reasons. They were not 100% truely and wholeheartedly in love. They were not faithful (on one end). I placed so much more into marriage because of them. Yes, I sinned. I have children before I was married. In that I seek Gods assistance and forgiveness, no one elses. That being said until I know that my partner and I are in that place, we will not marry. We are in the same boat as this, and THIS is how we want to raise our girls. We are fighting to make their life better. We are fighting to instill in them what we think a marriage should REALLY be. We work so hard everyday to get to that place, so that when we enter our marriage we will be all that we think it should be. Our marriage will not be broken by faithless love, broken vows and lies. We both agree that our relationship needs to be at its 100% to get there. You may not agree with me. You may think that it is ok to work towards all that while in a marriage, we do not. It is our choice and decision to think this way and it wont change. I don't judge you for the mistakes you made or the decisions you make, please dont judge me for mine.